I am a firm believer that a big part of our stress actually comes from the pressure to be (or at least appear to be) as perfect as possible in every single area of our lives.
At work, we will always arrive on time, perfectly styled and of course we have prepared this very important meeting hours and hours beforehand so that nobody with a nasty question will be able to confuse us during our presentation. No problem at all if the meeting takes longer than expected because we have already organized a plan B and C for the kids to be picked up and taken care of until we arrive at home. We don’t have to ask questions because we already know everything, even the tiniest detail of this project that is being driven by a completely different team.
In our free time, we feel we should have a perfectly cleaned and tidied up home, a perfectly cooked dinner, we should always have time to do meaningful and educative activities with our kids, spend romantic time with our partner and never forget about any friend’s or family member’s birthdays or other important events. When picking up the kids from school, we obviously will have lots of time to spend with the other kids and their parents, volunteer for school’s activities – and all of this with a big smile on our face. Oh, I forgot, inbetween you will obviously go for a good long run to keep this perfectly shaped body in great condition. Tataaaa, it’s all SO EASY!
The perfection lie
Do you know such people? I admit we seem to see them all over, but do they actually exist? I firmly believe that they either have a secret helper that is cleaning the house, cooking, taking care of the kids etc or they simply have a clock that has more than 24 hours.
In these digital, always-connected times we do not only compare ourselves with the people immediately around us but also to all those “dream mommies” out there that just seem to be doing it all. In the TV shows, in the media, everybody likes to stage themselves as the perfect “Can-do-it-all” which raises the barrier for all of us, and if we simply do not reach it we feel as if we have failed.
Sometimes, I feel drained after a night without lots of sleep and I simply don’t feel like making lots of small talk. On some days I will put my kids in front of the TV although I know I shouldn’t, just because I need to make some administrative phone calls or need to cook dinner without them being arguing all the time. Does this make me a bad mother or person? I don’t think so. We should stop being so harsh with ourselves. Let’s not make such strict judgements.
Not perfect but happy - What is right for YOU?
The issue here is not only that comparing us all the time to some ideals makes us feel bad, but that we are so much worried about what OTHERS are doing and what OTHERS might think of us, that we completely forget about what is right for US.
The first step to break out of this vicious circle is to actually define what it is that is important to YOU. Do you want to have a perfectly cleaned house in every moment or do you prefer to spend some more time with your kids and have some toys lying around? Do you need to have an elaborated healthy 2-course dinner every night or is it OK to order pizza once in a while? Are you the type of person that never leaves the house without putting your makeup and high heels on or do you believe that for picking up the kids and sitting on the playground it is OK to go with sneakers and slightly ruffled hair? We all have to make our choices and trade-offs but we must be sure we feel comfortable with the decisions we make.
Admitting weaknesses makes you authentic
Surveys have found that showing weakness and imperfection rewards you with a sympathy bonus. Do you want to hang around with a person that is continuously outperforming you in ALL areas? Don’t think so, right? That will only increase your feeling of imperfection. So be authentic – people will appreciate it.
Did you know that asking questions actually helps at work, too? Apart from helping you to build a better relationship with the team and being a more appreciated teammate when not constantly being the Know-it-all, asking questions and requesting feedback from other team members increases your learning curve and helps you get visibility. You will be known as a curious person that is very interested in different fields, you will receive first-hand information of all those exciting projects and – who knows – at some point someone might even be thinking of you when this fantastic new position turns up.
Amy Rees Anderson, founder and Managing Partner of REES Capital, writes in this FORBES article: “It takes courage to admit that you are not perfect. It takes courage to acknowledge that you cannot control the outcomes, especially when your entire job is to produce outcomes. But all of those things are the truth whether you admit them or not, so why not embrace them?”. Does it take courage? Yes it does. Will it be in vain? For sure not.
Lead by example
Especially leaders or role models (as all parents are for their kids) should take a moment and think about the picture they are projecting to their environment. Do we want our colleagues or kids to stay silent and not speak up when they have some problems or questions? Shouldn’t we rather be the first ones to show some vulnerability in order to encourage others to do the same?
It is OK to not to be perfect. In fact, in my opinion, perfection is an illusion that others want to make us believe exists, but it will only make us feel miserable and frustrated. Let’s rather live an imperfect and happy life than a stressed-out one striving for too much perfection!
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